A CBT Exercise That Overcomes Perfectionsim
There are 3 constructs to Perfectionism (it’s not just fear in disguise)
I redid my website 201 times.
The colors looked wrong. The copy felt like it showed inexperience. Borders felt like chunky childish lines. Everything ticked in my body, and spelled out incompetence.
Months go by, and I (and you) have built 101 excuses that feel more valid just to avoid accepting that whatever it is you are working on, is good enough. Because the feared self is speaking louder, it feels like it completely dominates the mental, physical, and spiritual.
It takes a lot of energy to be a perfectionist. Because the perfectionist reads articles to make sure they understand the topic perfectly, take notes, participate in over five online courses (and only realize how much money they spent because they can’t finish all five from overwhelm which leads to a lack of desire), they tweak, :, and re-retweak their words, their color scheme, their intention like their life depends on it.
And on top of all the external tasks there is to complete, there’s the internal fight: the brain and body are doing a lot of work to protect the core wound/the fear that must continue untouched—this all takes a lot of energy, the brain isn’t relaxed.
Years go by, there are a few thoughts/experiences that one comes across when revisiting the same piece they worked on previously:
1 Thought: “This was way better than I thought. Why didn’t I go with it?/ Why did I hate this so much?” (followed by feeling shock).
2 Feeling: Regret in thinking if you had believed in yourself more or approved of that project, you could be somewhere else by now (somewhere better). You live in a mental state of “what ifs.”
In psychology, this type of regret (the regret of not doing) is considered long-term regret, because you spend your life thinking about all the things you could have done if you said yes to the decision you contemplated in the past.
3 Thought: “This is so embarrassing, it’s still not good enough,” which continues the vicious cycle of never-ending search: what is considered good enough then?
Perfectionism has three constructs to it.
The first construct is motivation, where the individual holds the highest standards to make sure something looks good. This is not inherently negative, but it becomes an issue when what you do to reach those standards, or if you don’t reach those standards, causes anxiety/depressive symptoms. Ultimately, it becomes a mental health issue.
Then there’s the cognitive component, where we most commonly hear about self-criticism and the fear of making mistakes running the whole show.
The third construct consists of our behavior: our double-checking/over-teaking, and avoiding the acceptance that the piece you’re working on is perfectly fine the way that it is.
I find the first construct incredibly enlightening because it’s easier to focus on the cognitive, how the brain is wired around this perfectly set-up system to make you do something over and over in attempts to accept what is. But when we look at the reason behind our motivation, we can use it as a measuring tool: to what extent do we actually have high standards and is our striving for this standard affecting our mental health? Do we feel stressed?
If the answer is yes, you already have a crystal clear indicator that you are in perfectionist mode. And from there we can dissect the cognitive and our behavior by connecting the dots of the two: what am I scared of? How am I acting in order to protect what I’m scared of?
Perfectionism’s purpose is to reduce threat, whether externally or within ourselves. It’s is a clear correlation to mental distress, but it is not incurable. It can be cured, and it takes compassion and CBT work.
I went out to find these “101 excuses” I mentioned earlier, and gathered this extensive list of the most common clinically proven phrases used by patients online. I encourage you to look through this list and find the ones you relate to to bring awareness to the pattern that holds you from your freed self.
A Perfectionist’s Belief List
Catastrophic thinking: If I do this imperfectly, people will notice immediately. They’ll think I’m incompetent. This will ruin my reputation. One mistake and everything collapses. I won’t recover from this embarrassment. It only takes one flaw to undo all my credibility.
All-or-nothing thinking: If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure. There’s no point doing it unless it’s exceptional. Either it’s flawless or it’s embarrassing. If I can’t do it properly, I shouldn’t do it at all.
Conditional self-worth statements: If this isn’t perfect, I’m not competent. My value depends on how well this turns out. They’ll see my flaws. Mistakes mean I’m careless. If I’m not impressive, I’m forgettable.
Hyper-responsibility: I should have caught that. It’s my job to make sure nothing goes wrong. I can’t rely on others to get it right. I need to double-check just in case. If I don’t control this fully, it will fall apart.
Procrastination justifications: I’ll start when I feel more prepared. I need to research just a little more. I’m not in the right mindset yet. I’ll do it when I have more time. I need to plan this properly first. If I rush it, it won’t reflect my true ability.
Over-editing thoughts: Let me tweak this one more time. That sentence could be better. There’s probably a better way to phrase this. I’ll just fix that small detail. What if there’s something I missed. It needs one final polish. (This last polish goes on and on).
Unaccepting of uncertainty: What if someone criticizes it. What if I regret posting it. What if this opens me up to judgment. What if this isn’t as good as others’ work. What if I overlooked something obvious?
Mind-reading assumptions: They’ll think I didn’t try. They’ll assume I’m sloppy. They’ll compare me to someone better. They’ll see through me. They’ll lose respect for me.
Avoidance disguised as standards: I just have high standards. I care too much to do it halfway. Quality takes time. I don’t want to put my name on something mediocre. This isn’t about fear — it’s about excellence.
Emotional reasoning: I feel anxious about this, it means it’s not ready. If I’m not confident, I shouldn’t share it. My discomfort means I need to fix something.
Social comparison thoughts: Other people would never submit something like this. Their work looks more polished. I’m behind. If I put this out there, I’ll look amateur.
Future-driven fear: This could affect future opportunities. If I mess this up, doors will close. This will follow me. What if this defines me.
There was a time in my life when I could deeply relate to every thought mentioned here. And I am no guru, there are some days these thoughts trickle and I hear them again. Especially from the category “Avoidance disguised as standards.” This one describes my personal experience perfectly: I think so much about quality as a cover-up to not face the old fear of not being enough.
What I do to become imperfect (lower the stress that comes with perfectionism)
When this hurt side of me comes up, usually what I like to do is first stop everything that I’m doing. I then bring awareness to how much time or physical or mental energy I’m putting into my work/project. I always like to include some breathwork as it’s my indicator that I’m stopping and tuning in.
I then look at the meter of my motivation, as I mentioned earlier. Motivation could be a healthy construct to perfectionism, but when I realize that I feel stressed, or can’t seem to think clearly anymore from how much I overthought or overdone one task, I immediately realize there is a fear present (awareness of the cognitive and behavior constructs then follow).
Next, when I feel ready, I’ll grab my journal or use my notes app if I don’t have access to my journal, and I will answer this question in one paragraph or a bullet point list. I say this because catching yourself during a vicious thought pattern in the middle of the day requires urgency, and since we’re talking about perfectionism, we don’t want to give room to overexplain, over-ruminate, over-perfect, and use any more of the energy we used while in perfectionism mode.
We want to catch the honest, imperfect, raw and uncomfortable feeling to bring a stop to it.
No overexplaining. No perfect handwriting. Just honesty, pure, authentic honesty, even if it feels a little uncomfortable. In your notes app or journal, answer this:
What will happen to me if I stop my work/project right here and consider it finished?
Write down all the sentences, the beliefs, and the fear. Ex: I will fail. Everybody will see me as a failure.
Then, from 1-10, 10 being most true, rate how true each statement feels. Write that number down.
This next step requires the tiniest surrender (which, to a perfectionist, is a big deal) because you need to put a stop to all the energy and the system your mind and body are wired on to keep you feeling safe (and stuck in place). And that is to do something imperfect.
This imperfect task must feel safe and also provoke anxiety, but can’t be triggering. Knowing we are poking something that would normally make us a little anxious is a signal that you are breaking down the barrier that is wired to keep you in perfectionist mode, wired to protect the fear.
By anxiety-provoking, I mean: leaving the typo, posting your article without the double-revision, and leaving the email as it is.
It’s the little tweaks you wouldn’t normally do, and by doing them, you feel that itch that you may really want to “fix it” but logically know you are safe if you hold on for a bit.
The point of this exercise is proving your feared side wrong, that by leaving a few typos or not editing your email to perfection, you will still have your job, nobody will actually notice you or judge, and you’re still safe.
So write the imperfect action step down: “I will leave a few typos without editing.”
After doing this, notice the external response. Did someone notice? Did your boss call you out for the typo? Did something dramatic happen from this tiny tweak in your behavior? After you have received social feedback, you jot it down, even if a few days go by.
From those observations, you look at your original beliefs (ex, I will be seen as a failure), and rate how much these beliefs now feel true after you have done the imperfect task and received feedback. This works like magic.
CBT Exercise Review
Prompt 1: Write the belief statements that answer this prompt in one paragraph/bullet point list: What will happen to me if I stop my work/project right here and consider it finished?
Prompt 2: Rate how much you think your beliefs are true.
Prompt 3: Write one tiny (safe yet anxiety-provoking) imperfect task (such as leaving a typo or not revising your task) and complete it.
Prompt 4: Notice the social feedback (Did someone notice? Did your life change? Are you still safe?) Write down these observations.
Prompt 5: Rate your beliefs again. After you received feedback from doing the imperfect task, how much do these beliefs feel true now?
Writing this down helps you see how you started feeling, and how it transformed. It makes the distortion visible. And your belief progress is measurable.
This exercise is designed to lower your stress and help cure your perfectionism because by doing the tiny tweak in completing the imperfect task, you are rewriting your brain and body to show it that you are safe. This tiny tweak, such as leaving a typo, is small logistically, but to a perfectionist, it’s transformational.
Your brain needs to experience it: thought alone doesn’t count. Your brain needs proof that you are actually safe, and you can do the imperfect. Rewiring happens through experience. This is where rewiring happens, through experience.
Take note of this exercise and complete it at the first chance that arises. I really hoped this helped someone.
I wish you a list of imperfect actions, fellow healer,
they are all good enough.
References:
Riley, C., Lee, M., Cooper, Z., Fairburn, C. G., & Shafran, R. (2007). A randomised controlled trial of cognitive-behaviour therapy for clinical perfectionism. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 45(9), 2221–2231. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2006.12.003 - This CBT exercise is inspired by cognitive-behavioral treatment protocols for clinical perfectionism developed by Shafran, Egan, and colleagues.